Rantings of a Resurrected Woman

resurrection [rez-uhrek-shuh n]

noun

  • the act of rising from the dead.
  • ( initial capital letter ) the rising of Christ after His death and burial.
  • ( initial capital letter ) the rising of the dead on Judgment Day.
  • the state of those risen from the dead.
  • a rising again, as from decay, disuse, etc.; revival.
  • Christian Science . a rising above mortality through the understanding of spiritual life as demonstrated by Jesus Christ.
Credit: Dictionary.com

 

Divine timing is anything but convenient. It’s roughly 5 am on Easter Sunday and I’ve been gently guided to write this post. By gently guided I mean the same way I gently guide my 7 year old daughter to find her shoes when we are running ten minutes late for school and despite repeated reminders to put them near the door to find them easily when needed, she has no idea where she took them off less than 24 hours prior in a 3 bedroom apartment. It generally starts off as a simple directive that becomes increasingly loud and frantic with each passing minute. I tried to quiet my mind and go back to sleep but I quickly realized that wasn’t going to be an option. It wasn’t going to be an option despite the fact that I went to bed less than 4 hours earlier and I have to be up and at ’em by 8 am for work. Not just any work I might add, overseeing a busy Easter Brunch shift at a long established, busy Italian restaurant.  While other moms are snapping pictures of their adorable little humans in their Easter Sunday Best today carrying baskets of colorful plastic eggs and biting the ears off their giant chocolate bunnies, I have the privilege of managing miserable men and women who aren’t living up to their full potential and apologizing to our guests for mistakes I didn’t make… all day long. It’s gonna be awesome. But like I said, divine timing is anything but convenient. 

A month ago I could tell you that never in my wildest dreams could I have ever imagined myself sitting here spewing my take on this particular subject…let alone the irony of doing it today of all days. It’s Easter Sunday and if you know a thing or two about Jesus, you know that today is the day that Jesus rose from the dead. I’ve never been very religious. My background is kind of a mishmosh of religious experience. I was baptized in the Catholic church as a baby in an effort to “shut up my father’s family”, according to my mother. My parents then raised my sister and I in a Baptist church. We had a steady stream of Christian upbringing until I was about 10 years old. Other obligations started to to take precedence and we eventually just stopped going altogether. 

I had a second wave of religion in my late twenties in the form of a relationship with a bible thumping narcissist. You can only imagine how much fun that was for me! Manipulation gets taken to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL when backed by religion beliefs and proverbial bullshit. If I wasn’t already questioning my own beliefs in God before I met him, that relationship really helped turn me off almost completely. Needless to say, I may be a lot of things, but religious is not one of them. I was never concrete in my belief in the GOD that I was taught to believe. I did however always believe in a higher power. I’ve never been in any sort of recovery program (unless you count my recent spiritual awakening as being a recovery program from life itself LOL!)  This broad terminology “higher power” just tends to be the most fitting description for my belief set. Most of my beliefs are more spatial in nature than religious. They always have been. The concepts are vague in how I would outwardly describe them and deep in how I feel about them. These beliefs bring ALL the feels. 

So what exactly does my inner voice have to say about resurrection you may be wondering? I don’t really know…but I guess we are all about to find out! For the last month and a half I’ve been allowing this inner voice to guide my life. The best I can describe it is that I have two voices in my head. They’ve always been there for as long as I can remember. The familiar one I had gotten to know quite well. It was the voice of my ego. We’d been in a long term relationship for most of my life. It was pretty serious. The other voice… my inner voice… my true self. She’s a lot different. I never really got to know her as well as I did my ego until recently. She used to be louder when I was a kid but over time and through life experience, she got a lot quieter. Sometimes she was barely audible. I had to learn to recognize her voice again and allow her speak up and be heard. It wasn’t easy at first but with practice I started to be able to tell the difference pretty easily. 

I recently flicked my pesky little ego in the forehead and basically told it to shut up. For good. This is a powerful and highly effective move by the way that I learned from my mother when I was a kid. She used it to keep my sister and I in check when we were being really annoying. On a side note, she used it A LOT because let’s face it…children can be REALLY annoying! As a mom of 3, a former child myself, and a human being who works with the public…I think I’m fully qualified to make this statement. Also, spanking your kids in public (and even private these days) is totally frowned upon by society and local child protective services. Bottom line is, the forehead flick works. So the next time you hear that relentless little voice in your head telling you that you can’t or you shouldn’t do something that on a deeper level you feel compelled to do or say to benefit your life in a positive way… just imagine giving that little sucker a forehead flick. You will be pleasantly surprised at the results.

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Photo Credit

So you may be wondering what happens when I allow my inner voice to guide the ship. I don’t wanna brag…but the results have been ahhh-mazing. I’ve never been happier. And for the record…being happy doesn’t mean being happy for every second of every day. That’s just completely unrealistic. Life happens. Life happens all day, everyday. There are a lot of things that are beyond our control… but there really is a lot of truth and wisdom in the Serenity Prayer. I know you all know the serenity prayer (and in case you live under a rock or need a little refresher, I’ve included an image of it to the right.) It know it sounds so cliche, but it’s so true. The other thing to keep in mind is that other totally cliche little piece of wisdom, “Happiness is a journey, not a destination.”  It takes hard work. It takes practice. It takes a lot of reflection and it takes brutal honesty. It also takes time. It’s not going to be easy by any means, but it will be totally worth it. 

So what does all this have to do with resurrection? The short answer? EVERYTHING. I’ve come to realize during this spiritual awakening that it was designed to bring me back to life. Not the life I had created around the beliefs of my ego, but the life I was born to live. I thought I was living before. Let me paint you a little picture of what I thought living was. On New Year’s Day of this past year I got engaged to someone who I thought was everything I needed in a life partner. We were together for over a year. The relationship was relatively effortless. He was embedded in every aspect of my life and my children’s lives. We moved from one logical stage to the next. Dating, moving in together, engaged… planning a wedding (well quite honestly, he was planning the wedding. I felt uninspired by the idea of marriage. I thought I was missing the “bride gene” but maybe I was just missing the feelings that one should have when considering a marriage.) Ultimately we were planning our life together. The universe however had other plans. 

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While the relationship made sense for all practical, financial and on some level emotional reasons, looking back I can tell you that those are TERRIBLE reasons to be in a relationship. It was safe. Or so I thought. I had no idea a little over a month after the proposal my life was going to unravel. I didn’t even realize how much of my life was hinging on this relationship. One fateful Facebook message was all it took to pull the string of the metaphorical sweater and life as I knew it started to unravel. Everything felt like it was falling apart overnight. And it was. I was being stripped down to soul level. I just didn’t know it at the time. Ever since that initial cataclysmic event, I’ve been purging everything in my life that was and is not serving me in a way that allows me to live my best life and ultimately fulfill my purpose. The dust still hasn’t completely settled, but it seems like it’s finally starting to level off. I could be wrong so don’t quote me on that. I don’t know how I’m supposed to know when I’m fully stripped down but I’m guessing when I get there, I will just know. Who knows what will happen from one minute to the next. For now I am learning to live in the moment. In the Now.  I feel like a brand new person. I’ve come to realize that this spiritual journey is an ongoing resurrection of self. The old me is dead. Her memory lives on inside me, but I honestly don’t even miss her. Not even a little bit. She wasn’t living her life to the fullest. She was full of shame and regret for all the mistakes she had made. She was full of fear for what the future might hold for her. Afraid to truly be herself. Life was always a struggle. I’m just not that girl anymore. I’m awake, I’m alive and I couldn’t be happier about that. 

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