My Poor Tired Old Soul

It’s been a little while since I really felt inspired to write. I’ve been going through a really intense internal transformation process. And as many of you may already recognize, all external transformations in our lives have to be preceded by an internal transformation…which brings me to some information I wanted to share.

This morning I saw a post on Facebook that was linked to an article that suggested that sometimes what is presenting as depression is actually the soul being tired (You can check out that post here.) After having experienced that first hand several years ago, I felt compelled to not only share the post on my own own Facebook, but also to offer some information in regards to my own experience with that. I’m at a point in my life where I am unapologetically aligned with my soul. I was never a very spiritual person before. I had a dream dictionary when I was a teenager. I owned a few mood rings in my lifetime. At one point I got very interested in astrology. That was kind of the extent of it. The fact that what I thought was depression could even be soul related never crossed my mind…that is until I was able to reconnect with my soul. And then at that point, it was like a reunion with a long lost friend. Calling it a tired soul really feels minimized. Looking back it was more like an active volcano that was lying dormant for many years.

So here’s a little background…

4 years ago I was really unhappy. I was tired all the time. I felt like I was living in a fog. I had no motivation to do anything. I felt like I was dragging myself around every day and I was literally just doing the bare minimum to take care of my children and get through each day. It was pure Hell on Earth. I remember feeling so weighted down and even simple tasks that I once did effortlessly, required so much effort. There was a multitude of issues I was facing, but the biggest one was the fact that I was in a really toxic relationship. I felt really stuck. We had kids together. I didn’t have any money saved and was living paycheck to paycheck. Every ounce of my independence had been stripped from me during the course of the relationship. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Which only created a greater sense of shame and discomfort.

We had been evicted from our previous apartment and he insisted that he would do everything in his power to ensure this was a temporary living situation living in this disgusting slum of an apartment. When the one year mark passed living in that hell hole, it started to feel a little more permanent. I just had this moment in my mind where I was just done. Done with living on empty promises and hope. I was working so hard to have an extremely low quality of life. There was just this moment in my mind where I was absolutely certain that I was done with living life under those circumstances. It was like a switch had been flipped. I had checked out of the relationship long before, but I just didn’t know how I was actually going to physically get out. Fear had kept me in the situation for a long time. Eventually my discomfort became greater than my fear…and the fear of staying in that situation became greater than getting out of it. At that point, I planned to leave and I let go of any expectation of a potential outcome because anything seemed better than that whole mess of a life.

My plan was to just stick it out until I got my income tax return, which I would use to secure an apartment. However, in a strange twist of events (thank you universe!) another plan unfolded much faster. My work performance had totally suffered and nobody knew how miserable the situation was at home. I put on such a front to everyone. I worked from home on a computer. I could invent all the happiness I wanted and nobody would know otherwise. It’s amazing this world we have created that revolves around false happiness. All vying for this picture perfect social media life. It’s all smoke and mirrors and living from a place of such inauthenticity totally goes against what our soul desires…truth, integrity, realness! We all appreciate realness and sometimes real is just admitting that things are not as they appear.

Eventually I couldn’t hold it together anymore and my motivation for things that I had once really enjoyed was no longer a thing. I was confronted with being demoted from one of the only things I had left that made me feel like I had any value as a person…my job. The thought of losing that was enough to open the floodgates and force me to be honest about how miserable I really was. I opened up to my bosses and finally just let the truth be known. They were kind enough to offer financial assistance that would allow me to obtain an apartment much faster. So in hindsight, I recognize that at times when it can feel like everything is falling apart, it might just be falling together to take us in a new direction.

So for everyone who keeps asking me, what did you DO? There were 5 very crucial steps to get the ball rolling.

  1. Admitting unhappiness to self.
  2. Identifying the cause of the unhappiness.
  3. Making a firm decision to change.
  4. Letting go of any attachment to a final outcome.
  5. Allow for things to unfold naturally and do not resist.

Some of you may be wondering…could it be that easy? And the answer is YES it can be that easy. The mind is a funny thing. It can really work against us until we learn how to make it work for us. So I hope that you can find this information helpful. Hopefully some of it will resonate for some of you who may be going through a difficult time. We all deserve to live a fantastic, happy life. Most of the time, the only thing getting in the way of that is ourself … which can be really hard to admit. The more truth we are willing to own, the easier it becomes to reclaim our soul <3

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